


Balance at Hogwarts

by Knocktasspiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Never seen this before, Reincarnation AU, The Adventure Zone in Harry Potter, Wanted to try this out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-03-08 18:31:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knocktasspiel/pseuds/Knocktasspiel
Summary: Taako, Magnus, and Merle thought that they were done saving the world. It seems like the fates have other plans for them. This is a "Reincarnation" AU with some of the TAZ crew trying to save the Tres Horny Boys (or more likely save people from them) and return them to their world.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHHHHH Yeah. I dunno what to say with this. I really shouldn't be starting this but her I am I guess. enjoy~

Now Taako was used to some weird bull shit. Monsters? He’s seen them. Talking animals? Pffft, that was a century ago. Reincarnation was no different. He and his friends got reincarnated every year for nearly a century in their old bodies. But this? This was different. He had been sleeping next to Kravitz and then he had woken up as a baby.

 

_What the flipping fuck?_

 

Taako tried to sit up but found that he couldn’t. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. Looking around he saw a curious face looking at him from outside his bassinet. Taako took her in. Long blonde hair with piercing blue eyes, pale skin and… were those human ears he saw? He quickly raised his hand to check his ears. The were curved… perfectly round.

 

Taako screamed.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Magnus was happy with his life. He had wonderful friends, an even more magnificent wife. He had lived happy, and died happy. So when he woke up (which- had he even gone to sleep?) in the body of a small baby, he was just plain confused.

 

_Did Taako and Lup do some kind of weird shit again?_

 

He sighed and looked up at the woman cradling him in her arms. Wavy red hair, bright green eyes and a kind smile. He decided to smile back, his old hospitality instincts kicking back in. She gasped and, giggling, waved a stick and caused harmless sparks to fly out over his body for him to visually enjoy.

 

Magnus stopped smiling. Magic was never his thing.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Merle was an old dwarf. He had lived a good life, raised two kids in varying degrees of success, and had gone on many badass adventures with his friends. He thought that he was taking his final sleep and was greeting Kravitz warmly, when he was suddenly… not there anymore.

He tried to yell out a curse word- and mostly succeeded- but it fell quickly as he noticed how his voice sounded. Young, reedy, and definitely not his.

 

_What the fuck is going on here?_

 

He was about to try shouting again when the door to the room opened and a plump, orange haired woman bustled into the room. She cooed at him, calling him “Ronnie” and stroking his cheek in a motherly way.

 

He tried to curse again and succeeded. The face of his “mother” at his proud “Fuck!” would always stay with him.

 

0o0o0o0

 


	2. Taako grows up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man this is fun. I hope you're enjoying!

0o0o0o0

 

Taako’s “mother” kept calling him “Draco” and it was annoying the fuck out of him. He kept shaking his head and trying to say his name, but it came out more like “Aako”, which made the lady very happy. This made Taako even more pissed. He was  _ Taako _ , you know, from TV? 

 

He was just waiting for the day that he grew up. Then he could tell her what’s what. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

He could finally talk like a normal fucking person. The first thing he properly said ever to his new mother was of course in elvish and a stream of curse words, but all she did was smile tightly and try to have him repeat his not-name again. He said his name then. His real, given by his actual mother name and smiled broadly at the repulsed look she gave him. Oh he would have  _ fun _ with this one.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Apparently this Harry Potter kid was real important to his new family. Lucius had suddenly had a seizure one night and then the next day, Taako heard the news that the kid had defeated the “Dark Lord” by some means and gave him kudos for that. Defeating a dark lord at only one? That’s some sweet shit. He hopes to meet the kid someday.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Now Taako had been in all levels of prosperity when it came to money. He had been dirt poor and filthy rich throughout his life and had thought he had seen it all. These guys though? They were not only filthy rich, they were fucking  _ Filthy Rich. _ Caps and all. Taako felt his hands twitch by his sides as he felt the urge to steal it all for himself and hoard it like a fat dragon. His feelings suddenly plummeted. Thinking about adventuring just made him feel all bad inside, and he  _ hated  _  being vulnerable. 

 

He decided to mess with Narcissa again by being extra polite to the goblins. Maybe that would teach her some gods damned manners. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

Speaking of money, Lucius was an absolute prick. And that’s coming from Taako. He kept talking down on another wizarding family- what was it? The Weasels?- just because they didn’t have a lot of money. It seems like Taako had to teach them another lesson. 

 

He was going to befriend these Weasels. Only because of Lucius of course. Not because it reminded him of mongooses at all.

 

0o0o0o0

 

“Ron, language! How many times do I have to tell you to not use such words!” A screeching red haired woman caught Taako’s attention while he wandered Diagon Alley, alone. His oh-so-loving “parents” didn’t like how he treated “inferior races” like goblins and so gave him an exorbitant amount of money and set him loose on the poor wizarding population. 

 

From the way the family looked, Taako could assume that these were the Weasleys that he had been hoping to meet. 

 

“Oh go shove a cactus up your ass. It’d fit right next to the stick.” Mumbled the boy who was just chastised. It took Taako a second to realize that it wasn’t in common, but in the most beautiful thing he had heard in this world.  _ Dwarvish.  _

 

He gasped, running at the family and skidding to a halt in front of them. He gained all of their attention by yelling loudly, “Hey look! It’s the plant fucker!” 

 

He gleefully looked at the woman as he could just tell her blood pressure was going up. He turned back to the taller boy (and wasn’t that just weird because Taako was always at least a whole ‘nother dwarf taller than him).

 

Sticking his hand out he said, “My name’s Taako- you know, from TV?”

 

The boy looked at his hand and then at his beaming face. And then completely ignored the hand and went in for a crushing bearhug. 

 

“Wow~, didn’t know you would be that excited to see me, Tree Arm.” Taako teased.

 

“Shut up, Pointy Hat.”

 

And that was how Taako found Merle and enraged both families by being friends with him. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

Taako was fucking etsatic. Merle and he were going to go shopping for their school supplies today, and he just knew that it would probably contribute to Lucius’ growing need for calming potions for him to not have an aneurysm. Neither of them had told their families  _ why _ they wanted to go shopping on this particular day, but both knew that it would bring chaos. Beautiful, beautiful chaos. 

 

It almost felt like they were complete again.

 

0o0o0o0

 

After ditching their respective families, Taako dragged Merle to Madam Malkin’s so that he could finally get them matching IPRE robes. Hey, what could Taako do? He was homesick, missing his man and his sister, and his kind-of-not-really adopted son. He missed his crew and he had finally found a part of it. Now he just had to find the rest. 

 

The door opened with a jingle as the two were getting fitted by assistants and they were blindsided with their names. 

 

They both turned towards the small, emaciated boy with confused eyes.

 

“Yes, that’s us, who are you, short stock?” Taako asked the kid.

 

The green eyed one smiled. “Magnus Burnsides.”

 

Taako frowned at Magnus, “why are you so skinny, Beef Boy?”

 

“Asshole relatives are abusive.” Magnus said matter-of-factly, as if it truly didn’t matter. Taako’s frown deepened. 

 

“Well, I’d like to meet these relatives of yours, isn’t that right, Merle?”

 

Merle grunted, too mad to vocalize further. He had children of his own, and was disgusted that anyone would do such a thing.

 

Taako nodded. “Well, get up here, idiot and get yourself a robe. We’ve got some people whose asses we have to kick.”

 

Magnus grinned.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Lucius, Narcissa, Molly, and Arthur were all very surprised when a new boy joined the little group of three. They were even more surprised that it seemed like they were already fast friends, talking together like they had done it for years. Also they were wearing matching robes of red with a funny little emblem sewn onto the right breast. 

 

“So you live with non-magicals, Magnus? No wonder you’re slightly more clueless than usual.” Draco said, running his fingers through his long blonde hair.

 

“We could always take the Knight Bus. They’d get us there in a jiffy.” Ron said gruffly.

 

“We don’t have wands though, that wouldn’t work.” Draco contradicted, drawing an action that made many a mother gasp in shock. The finger went down. Molly felt her blood pressure rise when Draco just laughed off the gesture. 

“Can you still summon Geryl, Taako? We could use him?” The new boy asked.

 

Silence met his words as the two looked at the blonde who nodded slowly. “My first piece of magic in this world was to try and summon him- no that’s a lie. I tried to make my ears normal again- but it worked then, so it should work now.” And with that, the three of them made their way towards the front of the Leaky Cauldron. The two groups of parents rushed forward to catch up to them.

 

“Draco, come. We’re leaving.” Lucius said, grabbing his son’s shoulder with what he thought was an iron grip.

 

“Um, yeah, no. I don’t think so. You see, my compadre over here, his name’s Magnus, has some abusive guardians, and we’re going to talk to them.” And with that Draco flitted out of his hold and back to his friends. 

 

The parental units turned towards the newcomer with more interest now. He was much too small in both height and size, and seemed so delicate that we would break with even just a passing wind. 

 

He turned towards them and they gasped. Harry Potter had been found. 

 

0o0o0o0


	3. The Dursleys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So three in one day is really good for me???? Don't expect me to keep this up though, I have three month with no tech trip coming up soooo...

0o0o0o0

 

The Dursley’s were a nice  _ normal _ family, thank-you-very-much. They didn’t stand out, they did everything perfectly, and there was certainly nothing wrong with their parenting skills. Nope, nothing at all. 

 

Except…

 

One of their children was outrageously fat, stemming from his parents spoiling him any and every chance they got to. He never wanted for anything, and if he did, his mummy and daddy would get it for him quickly. 

 

The other ward in the house was completely the opposite. He was punished for everything, had nothing except a few broken crayons and a toy soldier, and slept in the cupboard under the stairs. 

 

This was most definitely not the normal way to parent someone. If Harry Potter had truly been “Harry Potter”, he might have turned out meek and mild, but always ready to be courageous and bold. 

 

Magnus Burnsides, however, did not know “mild”. He did not know “meek”. Magnus Burnsides was a fighter, a protector, and he would not stand for it. He tried everything he could to stop the abuse, but fighting back only made it worse. He was always tired, he was weak, and most importantly, he was alone in his fight. It made the days blend together with him hoping, wishing, that he would get to see his friends again. 

 

But then he did. And this time, just like always, they were there to pick him up and support them. The Tres Horny Boys were back together. And they would fight to take down this enemy just like they had taken everything else down. 

 

Brute, idiotic, masterful,  _ beautiful _ , force. 

 

If only the parents in front of them would let them  _ go _ .

 

0o0o0o0

 

“Absolutely not! You will not be traipsing into the  _ muggle _ world all willy nilly!” Narcissa hissed, grasping Taako’s wrist. Taako sighed. And then he licked Narcissa’s hand, making her screech and let go of him quickly. 

 

“Ronald Billius-“ 

 

“ _ Billius??!!”  _

 

“-Weasley! Get away from those two boys right now! What have I told you about hanging around strangers?” This was Mrs. Weasley. Any and all things that she had said afterwards were drowned by the raucous laughter that came from the group. 

 

Taako and Magnus had lost it when they heard Merle’s fake name in this world. Merle quickly followed, giggling boyishly to his dismay, and his friend’s delight. They quickly devolved into more laughter.

 

“Oh my gods, this is funnier than that time when you farted on Lucretia!  _ Billius!!! _ ” Taako squealed, collapsing to the floor in a giggly mess. Magnus snorted and chuckled, wiping imaginary tears of mirth from his eyes. Merle just nodded along, still snickering with his friends. 

 

Lucius and the others stared, dumbfounded. Sure having one kid that was weirdly intelligent, yet one of the stupidest people ever had been odd, but now having three of them? ANd they all seemed to know each other? A Malfoy/Weasley silent contract was opened then. One to help them stay alive in all this chaos. 

 

Lucius headed it. After being pushed towards the boys by his wife, he gained their attention with a small little cough. “Children,” he drawled. “I believe it would be best if we all went together. Arthur and I are a part of the Ministry and we have the proper authority to arrest these…  _ muggles _ should the need arise.”

 

Taako looked towards Magnus and Merle and then towards his “father”. 

 

“You sure? Shit’s about to go down.”

 

Lucius disregarded the language and nodded his assent. 

 

Magnus nodded his head and looked towards the “adults” of the situation. 

 

“Guess it’s time for Magnus to rush in again.”

 

0o0o0o0

 

The knight bus screeched to a halt in front of number 4, Privet Drive. Seven wizards climbed out of it- three looking much more refreshed than the others- and looked at the house in front of them. Lips curled in distaste, but the first one to talk was teasing. 

 

“Guess you got that white picket fence after all, eh Magnus?” This came from a lanky red haired boy who looked towards the smallest of the group, a tiny boy with short black hair. 

 

He snorted. “Doesn’t have Jules or my dogs.” 

 

The three children of the group looked down, melancholic faces aging them. The adults just looked confused. How did their children know all of these people? Was it some sort of unknown magic?

 

Taako shook off his mood, trying to not think of Kravitz and Lup. “Well? Now’s the time for us to do our thing, I guess. This is one time- no wonderland doesn’t count- where Taako is rushing in.” And with that he swaggered towards the door and rang the bell, not caring for how the others scrambled behind him.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Vernon Dursley was not having a good Saturday. First the Freak finds out he’s a wizard, then that madman of an oaf breaks his shotgun, and now there are  _ wizards and the Freak on his doorstep and one of them just rang the door.  _

 

He swuang it open with so much force that a few of the neighbors snooping in flinched, along with some of the adults. 

 

“Who are you and  _ what  _ are you  _ doing  _ here?” He seethed, grabbing the Boy by the collar and dragging him inside. He noticed the other two kids bristle, but thought nothing of it. It was the adults that he was worried about.

 

“We’re here,” the small blonde said, “to talk to you about how you’ve been treating Magnus.” Vernon noticed that he was twirling a stick in his fingers deftly, expertly, and gulped a bit. 

 

“What do you mean how we’ve been treating him? He’s the pinnacle of health, he is! Sure he’s a little scrawny, but that’s nothing puberty won’t fix!” Vernon chortled nervously, placing a beefy hand upon his nephew’s shoulder. 

 

“What we mean,” the tall blonde man said, “Is that our boys have the inkling that  something not right is happening to their friend, and I for one, believe them.” There was no way that Vernon knew, however, that the blonde man, Lucius, as he would never know, was completely bullshitting. 

 

“Enough of the chitter chatter shit. Let’s get to business.” and then there was the tall lanky red headed boy shouldering his way into Vernon’s house. Vernon felt his anger rising.

 

“Now- now see here!” he thundered, following the three children into his sitting room, “You have no right coming into my house like that!”

 

“No right?” The blonde whispered, pulling out his stick again and pointing it this time at Vernon. “nO RIGHT?! WHO WAS THE ONE THAT TURNED OUR PROTECTIVE IDIOT INTO SOMEONE AS MEEK AS THIS? WHO ISN’T MAD THAT SOMEONE’S EVEN THINKING OF ABUSING A KID?” he did something then, something that made him forever scared of children. He summoned a sword, large and flaming, seemingly dripping acid from its tip. Everyone gasped as this behemoth of a sword being grasped by the young man.

 

“This is the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom. I bartered a cat for it on my travels with my friends while we were on the false moon in our world. Now,” The blonde pointed it towards Vernon. “You will tell me what you have done to my friend.”

 

Vernon pissed his pants.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Magnus looked at Taako, stunned. He started tearing up. He sniffled and wiped his nose with a thumb. He really had great friends. But he had to do something.

 

“Taako, that’s enough. He’s not worth it. He’s just a fat lug of a walrus that doesn’t know how to deal with the magic in this world. I hate him, yes, but not enough for you to kill him.”

 

“Magnus-”

 

“No Taako, this is my choice. You get me out, we laugh that he’s pissed his pants, and we plan on how to get back.”

 

Taako nodded jerkily and drew back the sword. He had done it again, just like in the robot world. Except this time, it had been Magnus, not Lup who saved him. He felt a pain in his heart, and clutched at it. Magnus patted his arm. 

 

“It’s going to be okay buddy. We’ll find a way to get you back to them.” said Magnus. Taako nodded again.

 

0o0o0o0


	4. Before Hogwarts goes to shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, more seriousness! We'll be back to humor soon, but this needs to be taken care of.

0o0o0o0

The ride back to the Leaky Cauldron was silent. The three “children” huddled together, nearly cuddling as they talked on one of the beds of the Knight Bus, the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom beside them. Lucius had the forethought to shrink it down some so it looked more like a toy weapon than a true one. He still did not know, however just how his son had gotten the sword, or why that had been his first instinct when interrogating the muggle. 

Speaking of the muggle, he had started singing like a jay bird after he had been threatened. Lucius had called the aurors and was more at peace knowing that the savior of the wizarding world would not be in muggle hands. 

He would have to investigate however, just how his son knew the boy who lived, and why they were calling each other those ridiculous names. 

0o0o0o0

“You mean you might know where they went?” Julia asked Kravitz worriedly, wringing her hands. 

Kravitz nodded, turning from looking at his lieutenants Lup and Barry to her. “The Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom disappeared last night, and knowing Taako as I do, he will definitely have used some charm to make it possible for him to summon it in a time of need no matter where he or it is. I’m sure I can track him down from there.”

Lup nodded her head as well, looking as worried as well. She just wanted to know where her brother was this time. At least the last time she could track him through, you know, being with him. Even though it was just by being in a damn umbrella, she was with him.

But now she had no idea where he was. She just wanted him to be safe and sound. That was all she hoped for.

0o0o0o0

There had been a talk, of course, about how Draco- no Taako- had been able to summon a flaming poisonous sword. He had just smirked and said, “magic, my dudes!” before collapsing into a pile of giggles. His friends had looked on, exasperated, until Arthur brought the group back by asking his own questions.

“How do you all know each other? How did you come up with those names?” The three glanced at each other before Merle decided to be serious for once. 

“We’re from a different world. Two of us were dying or already dead, while the third was so far off, it wasn’t funny. I was in the process of being greeted by my good friend, death, when white light surrounded me and I was in the body of a baby. 

“We’re from a different world of magic, one where it’s accepted and can be used by anyone really, and we’re not children, not really. We may act like them, but we’ve died too many times to be children. I was a dwarf, Taako an elf, and Magnus a human. We’ve saved the universe together along with our friends, and we’ve already done the reincarnation thing. 

“We’re not mentally your children. We won’t ever be. We;re three idiots that stumble through our lives and defeat evil. If your world was affected by the Hunger, you’d know of us. We’re the Tres Horny Boys, Taako, Magnus, and Merle.”

He said this proudly, chest puffed out and eyes twinkling. Taako and Magnus looked at him and smiled. 

The “adults” stared, stunned.

0o0o0o0

It was the day that the boys would be off to go to Hogwarts. All three felt weirded out to be going to school. Sure they had been to school before the IPRE thing, but that had been centuries ago! It was even weirder for Magnus, who had never before thought of using magic in any way, but now he had magic??? And was going to use it??? He was sure that this was just all a weird hallucination. 

“-Magnus! Earth to Bear-man!” Ah, and there was Taako. Nevermind, he couldn’t be in a hallucination, because he was sure that we couldn’t come up with whatever insult it was that Taako had said. He looked up at Taako (which was just so weird to him) and said, 

“The fuck do you want, Macaroons-for-brains?” He heard many a mother gasp and cover their children’s ears at his words. He had realized that being famous for something he didn’t o was just a pain in the ass. He was determined to show anyone that “Harry Potter” was more than what they thought. 

Taako smiled at the insult. “It’s train time, boyo! Time for some nostalgia for when we nearly died that one time!” He was, of course, talking about the Rockport Express. But nobody else knew that, so they were once again getting concerned looks from parents that wondered just how irresponsible parents could be that they allowed their precious charges to nearly die- if what they were saying was true. 

Taako, Magnus, and Merle ignored it with the grace of people who had done this many a time before. 

0o0o0o0

“Are you sure we’re ready?” Asked Barry again for the tenth time. Kravitz sighed, running a hand over his currently skeletal face. 

“Yea, Babe, I think we’re ready. We’ve run over the plan over and done the math like 60 times! I think we’re ready to give it a whirl.” said Lu, running her hand through Barry’s hair in a soothing gesture. 

“Alright then, let’s get things ready for this. Julia, remember, you have to hold my hand as tight as you can so that we don’t lose you.” Kravitz changed to his more human form, and extended a hand. Julia took it. “Lup, Barry? Let’s do this.”

Everyone nodded, and the two magic users started chanting loudly. They were gone in a pulse of light, leaving two incorporeal dogs sitting there, worried. 

0o0o0o0

The train ride had been pretty boring so far, with no maniacal stewards and no boy detectives to try and figure out a case. It left them all wishing even more for their homes, for the people that they loved. They didn’t say that though, instead, Taako and Merle introduced Magnus to a very fun game called exploding snap, without telling the man that the cards would blow up in his face. They really got a laugh of of that one. 

Suddenly, their door swung open right as another explosion occurred, leaving the ril behind it looking scandalized at their language, and the boy even more nervous. 

Now if this were the original timeline, poor Hermione and Neville would be rebuffed by the two boys in the apartment. If this were the normal timeline, only ROn and Harry would have been in the compartment, with one following the others leadership in how to act around everyone else. If this were the original timeline, that is. As it was, the three inside were vastly different from what their other counterparts should be and were due to completely fucking up fates original plans. But that was what the Tres Horny Boys did, fuck up fates plans. 

“Have any of you seen a toad? Neville’s lost his and he would really like it back, oh by the way my name’s Hermione Granger, what’s yours?” The girl, Hermione, said ignoring their language for the moment. 

Our heroes looked up from where they were concentrating. Taako, the ever charismatic took it upon himself to introduce them all.

“I’m Taako, you know, from TV? And the short idiot is Magnus, while the tall one is Merle.” He said flippantly, taking in her posture. Hunched over as if to make herself small, but also trying to be confident? He knew that. He had lived that. He looked over to the boy and saw the same exact thing, but this time with even more nervousness. He sighed inwardly, knowing exactly what he was going to do next. First Angus and now these small humans? He was growing more and more foolhardy in his old age. 

“Come on in! You don’t need the toad anyway, mongooses are much cooler.” said Taako, much to the shock of everyone. His friends for obvious reasons, but the others for the fact that it seemed like someone wanted to be their friend! (also because it was Draco Malfoy, crazy extraordinare, for Neville)

“Um, but my uncle gave me that toad after I got my Hogwarts letter… I don’t want to make him mad by losing it.” Neville whispered quietly, making Magnus and merle look at him too. 

“Don’t worry about him, he would probably understand if you said an owl ate him.” Magnus said, nonchalantly, his eyes sharp. Neville looked flabbergasted. Magnus sighed and tried again. “Look, there are a lot of owls here. It’s only natural that a bird of prey would go after a toad, which is its prey. If you don’t like the toad, then don’t look for it. It’s as simple as that.”

And Neville, being an eleven year old, took his word for it. And Trevor was never seen again.

0o0o0o0

The castle was grand, yes, but not as grand as the things that the three had seen. WHile the other children were “oohing and aahing”, Taako took one look and said, “Meh- I’ve seen better, hell my old stage coach was more impressive.”

Magnus hit him upside the head for being rude. 

The boats were so rickety and old that this action caused all the occupants of the boat (Taako, Magnus, and Merle) to go splashing into the water. They surfaced to laughter but were too busy splashing each other to do anything about it. Finally Taako grew tired of the scuffle and cast Levitate on himself. The laughter stopped.

Taako looked around. 

“What? Oh, I know I know, I’m just so astonishingly handsome. No need to take photos from the way you’re staring.”

Hermione shook her head. “No Taako, that’s not why we’re staring. It’s just that no one can just levitate themselves!”

“Well, hot diggity shit, looks like I just taught you something, huh?”

0o0o0o0

“Malfoy, Draco!” For a moment, there was no movement. The teachers looked around, worried. Had he missed the train? Then two boys of three shoved a platinum blonde forward. “Okay, okay! Hot damn, not so rough!”

He stepped up to the stool, and grimaced when the dirty old hat was placed on his head. “Anyone heard of lice?” Someone thought they heard. 

Silence and then… 

“Who are you, Taako no name? WHy are you here- no- how are you here?”

“Dunno my dude, still trying to figure that ou-”

A BANG echoed throughout the hall with a bright light centering on Taako. Magnus and Merle pushed through the crowd to get to Taako, when they heard a cry of joy.

0o0o0o0


	5. hogwarts is fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now the Tres Horny Boys get to the real issues

0o0o0o0

 

Albus Dumbledore was a man that thought he knew everything, but in fact knew nothing. He thought he knew right and wrong, good and evil, white and black. What he never saw were the shades of grey. How evil could be used for good, and vice versa.

 

He didn’t know just how bad it would be to call forth heroes from another dimension into this plane. Didn’t know how it would alter the course of destiny. Didn’t know just how badly it would fuck his plans right up.

 

Didn’t know who the Tres Horny Boys were.

 

And that was very _very_ stupid of him.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Back in real time, Taako was being crushed by three people. He didn’t know who they were, only that they were very confused as to who he was. It wasn’t until everything stopped spinning and he realized just who the mixture of beings were that he said something.

 

“Oh, hey Krav- howzit going up there?”

 

Now, this did a number of things. It stopped the near fights that were happening between the three corporeal beings, stopped the teachers from hurting those that were on top of their student, and made Magnus and Merle race towards the group.

 

Everything stopped really, however, when the aged headmaster raised a wand and set off a bang. This resulted in all the other worlders to get ready for a threat, Magnus resizing the Flaming Poisoning Raging Sword of Doom. Someone screamed at this action, and also because the sword was, you know, A flaming acid dripping sword.

 

“Who are you and what are you doing in my school?” asked Dumbledore. Lup waved her hands to put out the flames and said,

 

“Hi there! I’m Lup, the hot stuff beside me is Barry, Skeleton man with dreads is Kravitz, and ghost girl is Julia. We’re here to look for something you took from us. Something really important.”

 

“And that would be…?” asked Dumbledore, puzzled yet concerned.

 

“They’re looking for us.” Piped Magnus from Julia’s side. He had started tearing up and was trying not to cry as he took in the beauty that was his wife.

 

“You, Mr. Potter? Why that is totally ridiculous. Just as that toy is. Don’t you know that playing with swords is dangerous?” Asked a severe-looking woman, her hair up in a bun.

 

“My name is not Harry Potter. It’s Magnus, Magnus Burnsides, and these people are my family. I would _never_ lie about that.” Magnus growled. His grip loosened on the sword as he walked even closer to Julia, sniffling angrily.

 

“Magnus? How can you be Magnus? My husband is much taller than you- and _much_ better looking.” said Julia, grinning. She knew it was him. Only he would be this protective. Also, the sword was a big hint.

 

“H-husband? Madam, I assure you, no one by the name of Magnus Burnsides resides-”

 

“Yes, he does.” Magnus cut the severe looking lady off, glaring at her.

 

“So-Lup, sis, my other platonic half, how have things been the past few years without me? I’m sure it’s just been soooo boring!” Taako said, deciding to break the tension by reminding people he was still being sat on by his sister. She scrambled to get off of him.

 

“Sorry, my dude. Are you really my Taako? The Taako that made me laugh and made me cookies and other treats if I was ever down? I mean you seem to be just as vain as him, so you have that going for you-” “Hey!” “- but you’re so much… younger. You’re all children! And are those… human ears I see? Oh my stars, you’re human!”

 

“I know, it’s just the worst. No more dark vision, still got my magic though, but I’m just not Taako from TV without my handsomely good looks!” Taako bemoaned, running his hands over his face dramatically. “Kravitz, don’t look at me! I’m a hideous human!”

 

Kravitz smiled. That was his husband all right. He gave the small man-child a hug. Taako leaned into his coolness and sighed. This was what he was missing.

 

Dumbledore was panicking. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! The heroes were supposed to help Harry Potter, not become him! His plans were crumbling. He tried to get everything back on track.

 

Coughing he started to talk. “If you all would allow Mr…”

“I don’t have a last name, my dude.”

 

“Highchurch, Merle Highchurch.”

 

“Magnus Burnsides.”

 

That threw him off his game. He tried again. “If you would let the young men complete their sorting, then you may follow me to my office and we will talk about how these fine people came to be here and just how we can get them home.”

 

0o0o0o0

 

The mangy old hat was placed back on Taako’s head, him grimacing all the way. The silence was tenser now, with the students realizing that they had an outsider in their midst. Also because the four that had shown up were glaring at all of them. That might have something to do with it.

 

“Hmmm.” The hat said quietly, “Now that I know a little bit more about you, maybe I can finally sort you. A good brain on your head, but no real thirst for knowledge. Courage, but it’s more stupid than anything. Loyalty to those you love, but only those you love, hmmm. Yes, I know exactly where you should go. Your place is in… SLYTHERIN!” The last word was yelled out to the entire hall, but no applause cam for Taako. He shrugged, not caring outwardly, but inwardly was worrying his ass off. He did not go to his table but instead slid his thin frame in between the folds of Kravitz’s Reaper cloak, not liking all the eyes on him.

 

The sorting went on as normal until, “Potter, Harry” was called. Magnus sighed and walked up slowly, sword still in nearly skeletal hand. He sat, fidgeting with nervous energy as the hat slid over his eyes.

 

“Hmmm. Magnus Burnsides.” the hat said loudly, “An awful lot of courage up here, but like your friend, it is mostly stupidity. No ambition other than a raging fire that tells you to protect, and no want for knowledge. Even when you went on your hundred year journey through the planes, your thirst for knowledge did not grow above learning to fight. Your loyalty, however, would be in competition with your bravery. That loyalty is strong and fierce for those you love but is quickly and easily extended towards others. Hmmm, this is difficult. Where would you rather go, my friend? The house of the loyal or the house of the brave?”

 

Magnus started at the choice. He thought for a second then said, “Where would I be able to protect my friends better?” The hat chuckled.

 

“Yes, for you it better be… GRYFFINDOR!” Once again, there was no applause. And then it started up from one small first-year girl, her gold and red tie shining brightly in the light as she blushed under her bushy hair. A nervous boy followed with his applause soon after, which was the catalyst that started the slow increase in noise until there was a roar of applause.

 

Magnus ignored all this and went to stand beside his wife. He would think of being hospitable later.

 

Later, it was Merle’s turn. He noticed that all of his “brothers” stiffened and paid very close attention to his sorting. He sighed. When would they learn? He was not their brother, no matter how much he liked them, they could never be his true family. He sat down on the stool and looked down at his lap. No one had come for him, but then again, no one had probably been told that he had just disappeared.

 

“Such melancholy thoughts for an old dwarf such as yourself. Knowing the others from the thoughts of your friends tells me that they probably didn’t want to worry your family any more than they had to. You’re supposed to be dead, after all. Now, where to put you…”

 

The hall was deathly silent after the proclamation that Merle should be dead.

 

“A bright mind and an even brighter heart. Your loyalty is hard earned but less so than the elf’s…  a follower of Pan, I see. Oh, you’ve even met him! And you’ve met another goddess, Lady Istus, Lady of the weaving of fates… And yet your faith is in your friends. Yes, I know where you will go, Merle Highchurch. You’re meant to be in… HUFFLEPUFF!”

 

The silence continued, people still shocked at the thought that these people may have been dead before they were pulled into this world. The sorting went quickly after that, until “Zabini, Blaise!” was called up and went to Slytherin. The aged headmaster stood up and told the students to eat. They turned to their feast slowly, the noise levels rising, most of them talking about the new visitors and students.

 

0o0o0o0


	6. Dumbledore is even more fucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry that it's been so long. Good news is we reached that magical number, 69, for Kudos! Thank you all so much! And thank you for all the comments, it really makes my heart soar.

0o0o0o0

 

They were in a cluttered office, doohickies and random crap strewn everywhere, yet seemingly in order. The group of travelers was huddled together, still wanting to be close to one another, with Dumbledore behind his desk and his teachers fanning out behind them. To Taako and Lup (the most paranoid of the group) it seemed as though they were blocking off all the exits for a reason. They were about to mention it to the group at large when they were interrupted.

 

“Misters Weasley and Malfoy, I have called your parents here so that we can hear their side of the story. Mr. Potter, as your guardians are muggle, we have decided to not call them. Though I will have to ask you, where did you get that fascinating toy?” Dumbledore smiled, hoping against all hope that he was wrong in thinking that these people were the heroes that he had called and that it was all just a very large practical joke. 

 

He was sorely mistaken. 

 

“I know that you think that we’re a Malfoy, Weasley, and Potter, but sorry to break it to you, kid, but we’re not. And that isn’t a toy. That is the Flaming Raging Poisoning Sword of  Doom. I basically stole it off of Garfield the deals warlock at the Fantasy Costco.” Taako said matter-of-factly. He smirked as the teachers looked dumbfounded and just flipped his hair at their stares. 

 

The floo lit up then, green fire spitting out two exasperated blondes and two frazzled redheads. 

 

“Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Lord and Lady Malfoy, thank you for joining us. It seems that your sons have been making friends and coming up with a fantastically implausible world.” sighed Dumbledore in a grandfatherly way. Inwardly though, he was panicking. He knew what he had done, and just how badly he had fucked up. He gestured towards the three interlopers and said, “are these perhaps friends of yours? They showed up in the middle of the sorting, and seem to know your sons very well.”

 

Lucius looked dumbfounded at Dumbledore. “The fact that you think that these men are making up a story just adds to the fact that you are delusional.” He sneered. “We do not know these people either, so I would say that you should trust in our children that they are telling the truth.”

 

Dumbledore tried to gulp subtly, yet failed. Taako and Lup looked at each other and grinned, having seen the gulp. They could tell he was hiding something, something he desperately did not want them to find out. They decided to poke and prod.

 

“So, Gandalf, seems to my sister and I that you really don’t want something to come to light. So what is it? A scandal? A murder? Maybe you were the one that caused us to come here, and that’s why you’re trying to blow off our truths?” Taako sauntered forward, hips swaying as he gestured grandly. He saw Dumbledore’s face tighten, as did Lup. She left Barry’s side and stalked towards the aged man, eyes glinting with an unholy light. 

 

“Ah, so it was that. Tell me, Sparkles,” she held up a hand and ignited it, causing both grins and frightened gasps. “Why shouldn’t I just blast you to infinity? You took my brother and my friends away from us, just so that they could do what, play student? What was your goal here?”

 

Dumbledore whimpered. “I-I didn’t mean to cause any harm, all I wanted was some heroes to help the prophecy child defeat the Dark Lord!” That stopped everything short. Lup’s fire went out as she lost concentration, and everyone was gaping at this innocent looking old man.

 

“So…” Magnus started raising a hand to scratch a beard that was no longer there. “Instead of strengthening yourself and helping this kid, you decide to rip other people from another world into yours so that they might help you? Where’s the thought in that?” Another thought popped into his head. “And who even is the prophecy kid? The only dark lord I can think of was the guy who killed my “parents”  but he died… didn’t he?”

 

There was a stony silence from the other end. Magnus groaned even as Taako exclaimed, “Fuck!”

 

“So what you’re saying is that Magnus here is now the prophecy child and that we’re stuck here until that dude is dead?” Taako questioned dangerously. Dumbledore nodded his head, scared. Taako sighed and looked to his family. 

 

“I think that since we’re being forced to help you, we’re going to do it on our terms. Which means that you’re going to give us all the information that you have, right  _ now, _ ” said Barry menacingly.  Now normally, this blue jean wearing man would not be intimidating, but he was in his reaper gear, and that (plus the unholy glint in his glasses) made everyone very scared. 

 

0o0o0o0

“...and that is all that I know. There are many questions about the mystery of what happened to Lord Voldemort, and I have spent most of my life trying to find out their truths.” Dumbledore sighed as he looked down at his lap. Magnus raised a hand.

 

“So… What’s up with this scar? There’s some weird shit going on with it, and I kind of want it to stop hurting.” He looked around to Kravitz and said, “Hey, Skeletor, mind taking a look?” Kravitz smiled and crouched down to Magnus’ level, which was just so weird for everyone involved, and poked his forehead. He gasped in disgust as a scream went through the air making everyone flinch and Lup cover her ears. 

 

“Why,” Kravitz asked, “is there another soul in his head, Dumbledore?” His eyes flashed red as his more human form flickered and his skeletal one came into play. “ _ What haven’t you been telling us?”  _

 

Dumbledore gulped. He hadn’t factored the biggest part of his plans to come out so easily. “Th-they’re what I believe to be Horcruxes.” He nearly whispered, so scared was he of this being in front of him. 

 

“You mean to tell us,” said Julia sweetly, “that you didn’t think it was important to tell us that my husband, who is now in the body of a  _ child _ no less, has something as disgusting as a Horcrux in his body?” 

“I-I-I-” 

 

“I nothing, Dumbledore, did you know of this even before you placed him with his abusive family? Did you know that Horcruxes tamper with the emotions of those around them, making them more violent? Vernon Dursley was just arrested for being abusive, along with his wife, and it all could have been avoided if not for you.” Said Lucius silkily. He stood closer to Magnus and Kravitz and looked to the reaper. “Can you remove it?”

 

“Of course, I wouldn’t be one of the best Grim Reapers without even being able to remove a stupid little soul.” and with that Kravitz summoned his scythe and gently poked Magnus in the head with it, causing a blood-curdling scream to emanate from Magnus’ head and tar-like liquid to come pouring out. Kravitz smirked as he looked at Dumbledore, “One more of your little plans just went down the drain, didn’t it?”

 

Dumbledore pissed his pants. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

“So, what are we going to do about all of this?” Barry asked the group as they exited the office of the disgraced headmaster. 

“Well I, for one, want to take a moment and laugh at the old man. Who pisses their pants when they see Kravitz Reap someone? It’s so hot!” Taako exclaimed, looking around at his friends. Lup facepalmed and the rest of them grimaced. 

“Taako, I do not want to know about your sex life. That’s- just- eww.” Magnus screwed up his face as he said this.

“As we move away from talking about my son’s sex life, I would like you all to know that I will make sure that Dumbledore is taken out of office. He has hurt not only you, Taako but the savior of the Wizarding World. That cannot stand. If he would do this to our children, he would do this to any child.” Lucius said as he walked in front of the group. He looked suave but was trying to hide his face. He would never look at his son the same way again.

 

“I believe,” a silky voice said from behind the group, “that the students need to return to their dormitories. They may not be children in their world, but they are still our students and must be treated as such.” The group turned to see a greasy looking man sweeping towards them.

“Severus! How good to see you again.” Lucius said cautiously. He had lost contact with his old friend after the death of the Dark Lord- no Riddle. 

 

Severus nodded cooly back at him. “Lucius. If you don’t mind, I will be taking the students to their dormitories now. I will meet you later, perhaps?” Lucius nodded back, knowing that the walls had ears. 

 

Kravitz and Lup took one look at Taako and determinedly looked at Snape. “Where Taako goes, we go. And don’t even try to deny us, we got in once, we can get in again,” said Kravitz, grabbing onto Taako’s hand. 

 

“And I’m going with Magnus. No questions.” glowered Julia. 

 

“... Guess you’re stuck with me, huh, Barry ol’ buddy?” said Merle, faking a smile. All eyes snapped onto his wiry figure. 

 

Kravitz sighed. “Mavis, Mookie, or Angus?” Merle looked up surprised. He wasn’t expecting anyone to offer. He cleared his throat thickly. 

“All three?” he asked with a grin.

 

Kravitz sighed again but smiled. He gave a quick hug to Taako, feeling awkward with how small his lover was, and then took off. 

 

“Oh, Julia! You’ll finally be able to meet Angus! Oh he’s annoying, and don’t tell him I said this but he’s one of the smartest kids I know!”

 

“You really think that about me, Sir?”

 

0o0o0o0


End file.
